"God's Covenant as framework for raising your children"

SERMON ON   Proverbs  29:15, 22:6, 23:24

delivered on August 26, 2001 by Rev. J. DeGelder

at Ebenezer Church, Burlington, ON

Congregation of the Lord Jesus Christ

Most of you will remember the incident recently reported in the newspapers, where the children’s aid society removed 7 children from their familyhome. The parents were said to believe and apply literally the O.T. principles, as you find them in Proverbs, about not sparing the rod when you discipline your children. A horrible thought in the view of many modern educators.

The whole issue stirred up quite a discussion in the media, complete with editorial columns and letters to the editor, etc. It is striking that many journalists don’t even try to distinguish carefully between what the Bible really says, and what some Christians do with it. Some love to paint all Christians as Fundamentalist Bible-thumpers, who abuse their kids, and the Bible as a book that condones that kind of behaviour.

Now, we won’t try to judge that particular case, of course. We simply don’t know enough about it, and it’s not our task anyway. No, we want to focus this morning in the Book of Proverbs on what the Bible really says about raising your children.

See, we all know texts like, He who spares the rod hates his son, and: Punish a child with the rod and save his soul from death. But then right away the question rises, brothers and sisters: is there no protection against abuse of these means? Parents are also sinful, and they can get so mad, that they get carried away. What does the Bible actually mean when it uses these expressions?

Well, congregation, the Wisdom teacher has a lot to say about that in Proverbs. We can only deal with a few of his challenging statements in this field. It’s important, though, that we do not remove his sayings from the proper context. And then I am not talking about the direct context in Proverbs. That’s usually pretty loose. No, what I mean is the broader context of Scripture. It will be important to keep in mind the large framework for raising your children, known as “God’s Covenant”.

Within the Covenant with God parents and children receive God’s promise of love, as well as the demand to show love. This determines the task and responsibility of parents toward their children. Let’s listen to Solomon’s wisdom when we speak about

1. Congregation, we don’t say anything new, when we say that “raising children” is not easy. I am sure that every parent and teacher can relate to that. Some may look at their own experiences, and even say that it is actually quite an understatement: “not easy...”! Some people follow courses, watch videos or read books about it. You apply the impact of what your own parents did when you were growing up. Sometimes you repeat what they did, and sometimes you’ll try to do the opposite of what they did, because you didn’t like their approach at all, when you were young. You can also share experiences and learn from each other as parents: “What would you do in this case....; How would you respond when this happens....”

It’s important to find out for yourself what you are after, as parents; what your goal is. Not just the goal at that particular moment when you want your children to obey, but the long-term goal. What are you aiming at in raising your children? What do you want to reach? What do you want your children to become? Mature, independent, responsible adults, right? Okay. What more? That they will turn out to be well-respected people, happy and successful - also when it comes to money. For many people, that’s where it stops! But not within God’s covenant.

See, brothers and sisters, as the saying goes, “children are the hope for the future of our world”. And that only emphasizes your responsibility as parents. Children grow up and effect other people, as well as developments in society. They become instruments for good or for evil. And that is in many ways their choice. Parents are not reponsible for all the choices and decisions their grown-up children make. However - how children have been raised; how they have learned to distinguish between good and evil, does have a significant impact.

Train a child in the way he should go, the wisdom-teacher says. The child he is talking about is the young child. The word used is the same as in Exodus 2 for the baby Moses at that time only a few months old. So, whatever has to be done, it should start early. The Bible makes clear that as parents you should actually start right away to imprint in your little one the routine, the pattern of the future. Lay the tracks that will lead him into the direction you want him to go.

Train him, it says. It means that you make him familiar with things he needs to know; that you initiate him into a walk-of-life with God, showing him what it is all about. Yes, congregation, that’s the kind of training we are talking about in God’s Covenant. Train your children in the Word and the commandments of God so that they get a liking for it when they are young. That will be so beneficial. After all - without the commandments and the Word of God the youngster will not be able to keep his way pure, as it says in Ps.119: 9.

And you know, that’s what you’ll need, young people. That’s the goal set by the Lord Himself for raising children in His covenant. “Keep your way pure” in view of your future role, whatever God may have in mind for you in a family, in the church, in the workforce and in our society.

See, when you are young, there are many ways you could go; many ways to choose and pick from. At least - that’s what it looks like. But when it comes down to it, there are only two ways before your child. One is the way which he by nature will want to go - the way of evil; the way of death. The other is the way he should go. The good way; the way of life.

That means that you must “train your child” with that particular goal in mind. The goal that later on in his life, when he gets older, he not only knows which way he should go, but also, that he indeed does go that way. Do you have a guarantee that that’s going to happen? No, you don’t! But that doesn’t change your calling to lay the foundation when your children are small. After all, you do raise your children within the framework of God’s Covenant.

And what a privilege it is, when some one grows up and can continue to build his own life on the fact that from infancy he has known the Holy Scriptures, like Timothy, according to what Paul wrote in 2 Tim.3:15. Tell your little ones from the Bible - every day. And this is such a blessing, for - as Paul adds there - the Scriptures are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

See, that focus will also help you, brothers and sisters, to adjust this “training” we have talked about, to fit the age, the character, the ability of your children. They are all so different, right?! So, they will end up doing totally different things and leading different lives. And that’s okay, as long as with all their differences they continue on the way they should go - the way of faith in Jesus Christ!

As parents we all have our hopes and expectations when we’re given the responsibility to raise children. We have our dreams of what it’s gonna be like. But don’t get obsessed with wrong expectations. You cannot force them to follow a way they cannot go. You cannot expect them to develop talents they don’t have. Sure, you can stimulate and challenge them. You should actually, But you cannot force them to go beyond the boundaries of their possibilities.

That’s why it is so important to keep focussed on what the real goal is all about. In ch. 24: 23 the wisdom teacher speaks about a righteous man and a wise son. Those are key-words in the book of Proverbs, used numerous times. The “way of the wise’ is the opposite of the “way of the fool”; the “righteous” is to be preferred over the “wicked”. So, you want to raise righteous and wise sons and daughters. Which means here: sons and daughters that serve and love the Lord.

For every parent this is a matter of ongoing care and concern; requiring much faith and wisdom. In the things you do at home; in sending them off to a Christian School and to Catechism class - let it all be focussed on the same goal: that your children grow up to be righteous and wise men and women. That’s why the apostle Paul urges the fathers (in cooperation with the mothers, of course): bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Teach them to get their priorities straight; let it become clear to them what is really important in life.

We have read in Deuteronomy 6 how Moses instructs the Israelites to impress the commandments of the LORD, the words referred to as the Constitution of His covenant, on their children - always and everywhere. So that at any time and in all circumstances the reality of God’s covenant determines their lives. Let that also today be the starting- point when we raise our children.

Within the covenant of His love, God has entrusted His children to your care. Instruct them then in His Word and in accordance with His Word, acknowledging His right when He claims them for His own. Raise your children from the basis of your own deep respect for God’s holy ordinances and decrees in His Word. So that your child may get to know AND to walk the way he should go.

And you know, this training-program comes with a great promise: when he is old he will not turn from it, it says. Train a child in the way he should go, and one day he will be an adult, perhaps a father with children of his own, and a citizen, an employee or employer, a church member, ready to serve and love God. Being trained to go in one particular direction, a man will continue in that direction.

Now, someone may phone me tomorrow, and say: “Rev., that sounds allright, but it doesn’t work that way. My son, or my daughter.....! Or do you want to say that our training was not good enough?” Realize: we are reading Proverbs. And, as we ‘ve seen before: the short, challenging statements in Proverbs are often black and white, with no grey areas in between - just to bring the point across.

It’s indeed not an infallible, absolute rule, without any exceptions. There are who had proper training in godliness and faith, who - in spite of all the efforts of parents - decide to turn their back on the Lord and on His Word. And that hurts! That hurts big time! Let no one underestimate the pain in the hearts of fathers and mothers.

And yet, brothers and sisters, it is typical for Proverbs to ignore those exceptions, just to stress your responsibility in raising your children. Keep focussed on the goal, and continue in the confidence that the God of the covenant is faithful. Sometimes you see right away that your child keeps going on the way he was taught. Sometimes you’ll see it later. Sometimes it takes many years for a child to return to the way he should go. Hold on to God’s promises, parents, even if you don’t see it yet in the life of your child. Continue to pray, even if your training is exhausted.

The God of the covenant promises to be your God and the God of your children. Let that be the heart and soul of all that you do when you raise your children to become wise and righteous heirs of eternal life in Jesus Christ.

2. But......., how are you going to do this, congregation? How do we raise children that will turn into wise and righteous adults? We all know that there is no recipe here with a guaranteed success. There is no such a things as: “try this, and if it doesn’t work you’ll get your money back”.

Nevertheless - here too, God’s Word provides instruction and direction. As a matter of fact many proverbs refer to the need for discipline, and to the use of the rod for discipline and correction. Yes, the Holy God Himself, who knows the hearts of parents and children to be sinful and stubborn, allows for spanking.

But let’s be careful: does that mean that you can take out a suitable piece of wood and wack your child as you feel like it? Of course not. It’s kind of remarkable, brothers and sisters, that many proverbs do indicate the need for discipline, but don’t speak about the extent, or the manner of this discipline. A lot depends on the circumstances, as well as on the age, the character, and personality of the child.

In 29: 15 the wisdom teaches us: The rod of correction imparts wisdom. There are actually two words: rod and correction, punishment and instruction. There is place for both when you raise children, as long as both are driven by love, and as long as both are geared to the goal to become wise and righteous. See, words without punishment are not always sufficient. On the other hand: punishment without words is most of the time without results too! So, if you need to spank, explain why. And on top of that: don’t forget that proper discipline requires first of all proper self-discipline!

In other words; the words “discipline” and “rod” do not justify every kind of punishment, regardless of what you do. Remember that you want to impart wisdom, the text says. And to get there, proper discipline knows different stages. From patiently talking and explaining, via encouraging and warning, it can come to punishment - even severe punishment, if need be!

Yes, congregation, we learn that there is a lot to be taught and done to impart wisdom in a child’s heart. No, you don’t have to teach him disobedience to God - that will come automatically. By nature our children are sinful. That’s not so strange: sinners produce sinners. Flesh gives birth to flesh, said Jesus, to explain the need to be born again (John 3:6). Which makes us all by nature objects of wrath, without any exception, Paul says in Ephes.2:3. So, children don’t just do unwise things, because they lack life experience - it goes much deeper! God Himself concludes that every inclination of man’s heart is evil from childhood (Gen.8:21).

Solomon puts it this way: Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him (22:15). And so what he is saying is, that from the very beginning this “folly”, which is sinfulness, is so deeply rooted in a human heart, that it will never go away on its own! And, therefore, to replace it by “wisdom”, you’ll need the “rod of discipline”, or - as it is called in our text: the “rod of correction”.

This shows already brothers and sisters that this rod is not necessarily always identical with physical punishment. After all, you can beat the crab out of a person, but you cannot beat the sin out of his heart! So, let your rod of correction be the means to raise and correct your child in such a way, that he himself learns to fight against sin. Discipline must lead to self-discipline, which will fight to drive out the folly of sin, and to impart wisdom - the wisdom of faith and obedience.

Well, congregation, your child will not be able to get there on his own. To get rid of evil inclinations; to resist the coming temptations, your child needs you, the help of christian adults in His life; you, parents, to pass on your own life-experiences in your words, how you talk, and in what you do, your example. And to do so in a fitting and helpful manner you must first of all live in love and respect for the Lord yourself. Make that a point, for the sake of yourself, and of your children!

The wisdom teacher then underlines the need to use these means for raising children in God’s covenant, saying that a child left to himself disgraces his mother. So, if you fail to use this “rod of correction”, you’ll get a “child left to himself”. Is that bad? Many modern educators will tell you that it’s not. They believe that deep down Man is basically good. And so spontaneous and free developments in which children learn to choose by their own experiences, are to be stimulated.

But the biblical view-of-man is just the opposite, brothers and sisters. When you grow up without the means of the “rod-of-correction”, your inborn folly of sin will continue to rule your life. Nothing is gonna change! And what a shame, what a disgrace that is! It says in the text that such a child disgraces his mother. Now you can be sure that such behaviour will be shameful and embarrassing to both parents, but this will hit especially the mother, it says. For she is the one, who has often the chance to have the most intense influence, especially when the children are smaller!

But if that doesn’t happen; if for some reason you do not use your authority to train your child in the way he should go, but you leave him to himself - it is going to backfire, with disastrous consequences! Isn’t it terrible? Think of what it must be for a mother, who can only be ashamed of what her child is doing; a mother who is constantly coping with the fact that her child lives such an offensive and embarrassing lifestyle that it is just a shame!

That does not mean, mind you, that every child who does not turn to the wisdom of faith and love for God, never felt the “rod of correction” in his life. People can also get stuck in their ‘folly’ and make wrong choices, in spite of proper parental discipline; in spite of all the efforts to impart wisdom by the proper means. And as I said before: that is such a terribly painful way for fathers and mothers, who - with all the weaknesses and human shortcomings - have done their utmost!

It only goes to show how we should continue to use these means as means of love! The author of the letter to the Hebrews identifies discipline as the evidence of fatherly love. If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons, he says. We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. And watch then the positive result: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

And so it is worth it, congregation! It is worth the effort to give a lot of attention to the means for raising your children that will make them recognize God’s fatherly love; the means by which they get to know the Lord and His covenant. These means can include also ‘physical punishment’. But as parents who know themselves to be sinners, you must be very careful, and never forget: being led by God’s love in Jesus Christ is the main prerequisite for Christian, effective and responsible discipline.

3. Congregation, when in this way and on that basis, parents and children together grow in love for God - life in God’s covenant becomes a matter of joy. That makes sense, for then you see how the concerns and all the efforts put into raising your children turn out to be effective and bear fruit!

Indeed - the wonderful fruits of joy and happiness, when your children that have been raised in the Covenant of God, also continue to live in this covenant - is that not what you are looking forward to as parents? Is that not you dream about? Is that not what you hope and pray for all the time when you think of your children?!

Yes, the wisdom teacher says in 23:24: The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. See, parents of all times and places have always been happy to see their children grow up to become mature and reasonable people; people that do well and lead decent lives.

Well, brothers and sisters, if that is true in general, how much more joy would there be in your hearts as God’s children, when you see your children grow up in the covenant of God as men and women who fear the Lord and trust in Him; who know how to choose, and who do choose the right way; who are able to distinguish between good and evil, and who show the willingness to fight against sin.

Is it not wonderful to see, when in God’s covenant a new generation comes forward, which wants to maintain and continue the bond with God, and eventually pass it on again to their children? This is so amazing if you come to think of it! Here is the grace and mercy of our God, working in the power of the Holy Spirit!

In this last proverb we meet an old father. He and his wife have raised their children within God’s covenant. And look, meet the children. Meet a righteous man, who rejects and distances himself from wickedness. Meet a wise son, who doesn’t want to have anything to do with ‘folly”. Isn’t it wonderful?! Think of this older couple: what a great joy, what a delight in their lives.

Yes, congregation, recognize the dynamics of raising your children: when “wisdom” is going to push aside and away, and then replace “folly”; when “righteousness” overrules “wickedness”, then deep joy will grow and blossom in your family-life. A joy, much deeper and much more significant, then when you see in your childrens’ lives an abundance of material possessions or human success!

That’s all nice too, mind you. But how right is the apostle John when he says in v.4 of his third letter: I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. And you know, that’s what righteousness and wisdom are all about: that you walk in the truth, every day - the joyful truth of the gospel.

Recognize the amazing fruits of raising your children within the framework of God’s covenant. Recognize how the God of the Covenant fulfils His promises in the lives of your children and grand-children. And praise the Lord for it! For when you see a righteous man, a wise son, you see God’s grace and mercy.

When the happy father looks back, he will be the first one to acknowledge that it has not always been easy, to train his child in the way he should go. He will be the first one to acknowledge that a wise and righteous son is a gift from God’s grace. For he knows, as every parent knows, that you can train and discipline and use the rod of correction - but you cannot change the heart of your children. And that’s exactly what happens when your children grow up and believe the gospel.

Never take for granted, brothers and sisters, that God’s grace continues.

And rejoice together in His goodness as fathers and mothers and children

a m e n

Rev. Jan De Gelder is Minister of the Canadian Reformed Church of Flamborough.